May 22, 2024


Don't Mess With Baby

The dirty dozen – Family life

4 min read
A man holding a poo emoji toy in front of his face. Diary of the Dad - The dirty dozen.

Previous thirty day period, my blog site reached the grand previous age of 12. I simply cannot rather consider it’s been close to for so very long – it is a veritable electronic antique now – and that I haven’t bought bored of it still.

Talking of which, I may well inevitably dangle up my keyboard before the subsequent classic landmark – whilst I have no plans to do so yet – so it makes feeling to rejoice although I’m continue to going.

And how do you celebrate when you have published way too quite a few site posts? With a compilation put up, of program!

About the yrs, I have protected the grim aspect of parenting very a large amount so, devoid of further ado, I give you the dirty dozen.

A man wearing a surgeon-style mask holding a dirty toothpaste lid.

Five gross issues that young ones do

I know, I know… how did I only appear up with five? This publish covers licking toothpaste lids, lacking the toilet and ‘cleaning’ with snot rags.

It also features a pre-pandemic shot of me sporting a confront mask. Maybe parenting essentially well prepared me for the very last few of years.

Zombie eye!

There are various happy firsts we celebrate as parents. First steps, laughs and text are usually highlights.

This write-up is about my very first kid-induced corneal abrasion and subsequent bout of conjunctivitis. Awwww…

This is heading to generate me potty

Ugh. Toilet training. I’m happy we’re effectively past this grim phase. I nevertheless assume it would have been simpler to persuade Ghengis Khan to sit on a potty than it was with oldest.

As well as nobody advised me I was likely to have to give a live demonstration…

5 methods my kids have created me skanky

Ah, all those beautiful early times. When you don’t get any rest and inadvertently abandon your private cleanliness. It is well really worth a spot in the filthy dozen.

Here’s how I finished up on the lookout like a cross among Wolverine and Mr Twit.

A swear box

Invasion of the swearing toddler

One more very pleased milestone here: baby’s to start with swear. We have all been there, correct? But this was each a bad just one and my fault.

But, even if I say so myself, there was a outstanding little bit of improvisation to shut it down.

Which is very well ill

Ah, our initial complete-spouse and children ill bug. It is funny how projectile vomiting is genuinely amusing until eventually you are on the receiving conclude of it.

It also served to ensure my emotions on some present day slang staying considerably questionable.

Mud kitchens: why?

Why on earth did my kids’ most important college make your mind up to incorporate a mud kitchen? It was alternatively at odds with its relatively rigorous uniform policy.

My children ended up on the lookout like they’d been to Glastonbury and opposite to the popular song, mud is not excellent for cooling the blood…

Two cartoon characters with photos of two little boys' faces superimposed on them.

Masters of farts

Any excuse to Photoshop my sons as South Park’s Terrance and Phillip. But, to be fair, they gained it. How?

Employing the word ‘poo’ as punctuation, farting on demand from customers and guffawing like a pair of tiny little ones. Which, to be good, they have been at the time.

Huge variations in between boys and girls? Not in our residence

Not to be outdone by her brothers’ exploits just before she was on the scene, youngest was swift to show that the so-named discrepancies in between boys and ladies are nonsense.

This post features Frozen’s Queen Elsa on a unique kind of throne.

A flash-in-the-pan flashback

Spoiler warn: this is a further occasion of me accidentally training a single of the children a impolite term. And, no, regardless of being about Pancake Day, it wasn’t ‘tosser’.

Other factors of interest consist of a huge mess in the kitchen area and a modest fire!

A fairytale scene with characters burping and farting and the words 'The Brothers Grim' superimposed.

The Brothers Grim

Alright, this one’s about toilet humour once more. But I was also amused by the flatulent fairy tale people in the principal impression to leave it out.

As the title suggests, this one’s about my more mature two young children retelling vintage bedtime stories with a faecal twist. Nice.

The birds and bees with cuddly toys

In which do infants occur from? Of course, I know you know. But how do you reveal to your youthful kids how the new newborn received there?

By natural means, we turned to their cuddly toys. Essentially, so did they…

This concludes my one of a kind dirty dozen. Thanks for looking through. And sorry.

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